Wednesday, May 31, 2017

1,000 Days!

Dear Readers,

I reached 1,000 Days today!
I can hardly believe it!
I remember when other people reached 1,000 days, and I was in awe of them!
Now I am here, too!

Mr. UT surprised me with a delivery of long stem roses, and a sweet card, that had a special meaning.
When we were dating in high school, he would leave little things in my locker.
One time he left a big purple paper flower, with the note, "To the Flower of My Heart."

I have lost and gained things these past 1,000 days and nights.

I have lost 1,000 days of heartaches, hangovers, and hiding bottles.
I have lost 1,000 nights of drunk driving and hot sweaty sleep.
But most of all, I have lost 1,000 days of self-loathing, guilt and shame.

I have gained 1,000 days of calmness, self-esteem, and kisses from hubs.
I have gained 1,000 days of helping other people in their recovery.
But most of all, I have gained 1,000 days of peace of mind and freedom.

How I got here really was a day at a time. A moment by moment decision that I didn't want the drinking life anymore. It had stopped bringing me fun, and was bringing me far more pain. It wasn't easy, and I so wanted to be able to keep drinking. 
But I just couldn't.
Now I find I don't want to drink anymore!

I debated about buying myself a treat to celebrate, but in the end, I decided I didn't want anything. I am blessed with the love of Mr. UT. I am blessed with all the things I have lost and gained after 1,000 days. That is enough.

With 1,000 Hugs to all of You for Helping Me,
On Day 1,000,

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Life Is Not Fair

Dear Readers,
It's finally partly sunny here, after many days of rain.
Or maybe it's partly cloudy.
I never can understand the difference between those two weather phrases.

I think life is like that.
It's part sun and part clouds.
Sometimes it's raining, and sometimes it's not.
Like the weather, it's unpredictable.

I am working hard to challenge myself on my thinking that I am a victim in life.
I am not.
Life is not fair.
It never will be.
That is the truth of the matter, and the only thing I can do is to meet life with a brave heart.

Role models help me do this.
All the sober people on-line, and in real life, are role models for me.
All the women in my family, have all been role models.
People past and present, those who have seen more rain than sun, but continue with faith, are role models.

I recognize that I am far more optimistic, now that I am sober.
When I was younger, I used to be sunny person, but later when my drinking got heavy, I complained a lot more, about my job, my health, other people, everything.

I am slowly working my way back to accepting that I will have problems because that is life.
Everyone has problems, in one way or another.
I am learning I can accept my feelings, that they are normal human emotions, but I don't have to stay in them.
I can think differently, look at things from another point of view, and my feelings change, or become less intense.

Life is constantly changing.
It ebbs and flows, sometimes too fast for me, sometimes too slow.
But I am powerless to stop the change.

I did not choose to have a problem with alcohol.
I know my father didn't either.
But we did.
And it is with a brave heart, and much faith, that I continue staying sober.

With Love,
On Day 994,

Friday, May 12, 2017


I was hungry!

Dear Readers,
I find that using photos helps me write, for some reason.
They are another way I can express what I am trying to say.

Last week, Mr. UT and I went for a walk around one of our favorite parks, where there is a cool restaurant, so we stopped by, and sat outside to have a bite to eat.
I make Mr. UT take photos of us, which he will do, although sometimes reluctantly.

Our feelings and thoughts here were of fun, love and connection. When we go for walks, it gives us time to connect, and talk about life.

Now, we do squabble, but not nearly as often as we did when I was drinking.
And then some of our fights were about my drinking.
I am learning to breathe in and out, which gives me time to pause before I say something to hubs I might regret.
We have been married so long, that we have numbered our disagreements, i.e., how many suitcases I need for a weekend away is fight #10.

I am still learning.
I am learning how to be kinder, to myself and hubs.
I am learning how to listen.
I am learning how to not try to "fix" someone.
I am learning how to motivate myself.
I am learning how to support other people who are working on being sober.
I am learning how to detach with love, from other people and outcomes when needed.
I am learning so much.

I saw this quote on the Women for Sobriety newsletter, that is sent to me each week:

"Be patient with yourself.  Self-growth is tender, it's holy ground.  There is no greater investment"  -Steven Covey

I am still learning how to live sober.
This is something I will always be learning.

With Love,
On Day 981,

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Look a Little Closer

Dear Readers,
Flowers are blooming in our favorite park!
Today, at my AA meeting we shared the "miracles" that have happened in our lives since we got sober. People shared powerful stories, heartbreaking drinking and using stories, and now their current miracles.

This reminded me of a post I read today, by Mark Goodson, Miracle of the Mundane.
He gave me pause to look back at where I was and where I am now.

Mark describes his using life and his sober life as a "great divide".
He talks about comparing your greatest fear, happiness, or problem in your two lives.

Where was I when I was drinking?
What were my fears then?
What brought me happiness?

When I was drinking, my life was all about me. It was when could I drink, who could I drink with, how can I hide my bottles, when could I get what I wanted.
My biggest fear was definitely worrying about getting pulled over by the police for drunk driving.

My happiness was when I was drinking.
That's the only thing I though made me happy.

Today, my life is about caring for my darling husband.
It's about caring about my wonderful family.
It's about helping other people in recovery.
It's about taking care of myself by getting exercise, sleep, and eating right.

My biggest fear today, is worried about getting old, as we have no children to help us.
(I did have this same worry when I was drinking, too, but it wasn't an immediate fear.)
However, now I am able to face my fears, and not be so afraid.
I am able to think through the fears, and figure things out.

Now I am happy when I am helping other people, when hubs and I are snuggling, when I am reading blogs, when I am at yoga.
I am happy just walking.
My greatest happiness is when I am with Mr. UT or my family and friends, and we are sharing a special time, or sharing a memory.

I don't consider these miracles, but maybe they are.
Sometimes I can't see all the ways my life has changed, because I am too close to myself.
It takes a look back to be reminded of the wonder of today.

Today I have been sober for 32 months.
After thinking about all the blogs I have read, all the people at my meetings I have heard, after talking with hubs about life, I can say, I am content today.

With Flowers Growing,
On Day 972,